I can’t shake this feeling I’ve had for a couple of weeks now. It’s different than feeling loneliness or aloneness or anything else I’ve felt for the past few months. I’m not feeling as confident in general. This feeling can be cancerous and permeates all aspects of my life. Instead of examining it, I chose to ignore it and fill my life with other distractions.
On Sunday, I started to clear out the cobwebs (proverbial and actual). Some of this anxiety (not exactly the feeling but the closest feeling I can describe) can be attributed to my cat Ming Ming. He lost a lot of weight in the past year. I changed his diet to wet food. He seemed to regain some weight but sometimes he doesn’t want to eat. He drinks a lot of water. I decided I need to do some research. Inconclusive. He might have diabetes. He might be suffering from a cat cold. I think he did have a cold and he is recovering from it. I need to take him to the vet but I don’t want to. I don’t want to hear bad news about my 16 year cat. He’s been with me for a long time. I’m afraid.
I feel like I’m waiting for something else also. Some other type of bad news. What could be worse than getting a phone call from my Mum telling me that my Grandma is gone (1.5 months ago)? The only thing I can do about this waiting for bad news? It’s not in my control. And I find that I need to pray about the anxiety feeling but I don’t have the necessary materials to roll a smoke (corn husk, etc.) so I need to find another way to talk to God. I’ve been trying to fill this void instead of examining it and I’m not doing a very good job. I’m finding it hard to focus when I need to be kicking ass in my new job. I no longer dread Sundays or going back to work (my last job) but I find I need to work on other things or other parts of my life. As I’m starting to examine these parts of my life, it’s sometimes difficult because sometimes I’m not a very good person. I can be a better person. I know better. I need to be a better person. I need to figure this out. I’m not a baby anymore and I need to quit acting like a brat, like I have forever to figure out this shit. I’ve been here in Kansas for 4 months now (to further illustrate that point).
Okay, now that I’m done with that rant. I have something else I need to start with this evening when I get home.
p.s. I need to resort back to my ‘TO-DO’ lists. If I don’t write it down, it doesn’t get done. There’s no reason to spend the entire week-end holed-up in my house, not going anywhere or doing anything other than watch TV and play games online.