I have never liked the fall/autumn season. Bad stuff happens in the fall. Looking back, pretty much – bad stuff can happen any season. We lost my dad in the winter. We lost my 2 grandmas and uncle in the Spring. My favorite time of the year is still the time between Spring and Summer. I still love and long for the Summer Monsoon. I am a true desert girl.
I haven’t experienced fall weather in over 10 years. I have memories attached to fall weather. High school. Junior High and elementary. Those weren’t really happy memories so I must have suppressed them. I’m trying to make some new ones. Happy fall memories.
I went exploring. Saw some leaves already turning. Saw some birds flying south in V formation. The intense heat destroyed so many cornfields this summer. I saw many fields with dry corn stalks, still waiting for deliverance. My thoughts were especially dark on this particular day. My time with my Ming is limited. I’m not sure what I’m going to do when his time comes. I know that I’m not supposed to think about this until it actually happens. I afraid that I will be a mess so I need some sort of framework. It makes me feel like I’m in control. I finally let it go when I went to go have tea with a friend/colleague. I’m glad I had that distraction to take me away from the dark mood I was in.
In other news… I need to make some plans for my trip home in about 6 weeks: my cats, cat sitter, airfare, parking fees and the cost. Always the cost. It’s important for me to support my family, and be there to celebrate the milestones. It’s especially hard when I know I’m missing out on the impromptu family gatherings. Hugs from the kids. Layla busting into my room, as soon as she wakes up. Movies with my sisters & nieces. BBQ/Grilling with my brother. Birthdays & games. Laughing and joking with my family is what I miss the most. Being accessible to my family. Of course, it’s not all as rosy as I picture it. We have our dramas, spats and ridiculous behavior. I just have to keep reminding myself that I know why I’m here but can’t help wanting to believe it’s also for a higher purpose. What is it? I don’t know. Perhaps I won’t ever know.
My lunch is over. I need to get back to work. I will see my fam in about 6.5 weeks. I can hold on.