I’m okay.

I’ve been home for 10 days. Home is where my family is.  I love being surrounded by nieces and nephews.  I love their stories and telling me what happened in their day.

Bittersweet. That feeling and even the ring of the word has been a constant since I got back to Tucson. I have so many memories of this home. As I drive past certain places we’ve haunted, I’m engulfed by a flood of memories. Finally, I couldn’t handle it last night. I broke down.  I’ve been hypersensitive since I got to Tucson.

I missed home so much but couldn’t pinpoint what I missed. And I don’t know or have yet to figure out why it’s important for me to understand why.  I only got glimpses of what I love about this city.  I love the anonymity in this city yet I feel a part of the whole. I know I will see someone during the course of the day, who REALLY knows me. All I have to do is call my friends and tell them where to meet the gang.  I feel safe and secure in knowing that I will I see someone daily, who loves me unconditionally.

The other part of understanding what I’m trying to figure out is why I left.  And perhaps that’s the part I can’t explore yet. I won’t allow myself to explore.  Yet, I feel like I’ve already been down that road.  Too many times.  Why I left could have been divine intervention.. Ha! God is too busy to worry about my trivial nonsense. I know my life was about to change.  Prolonged inertia.  I was on this precipice. I needed to be in control of what happened next.  I made the change happen.  It could have been merely the fact that I got tired of waiting for something to happen.  Either way, change was inevitable.

So now the facts are: I love my job. I miss my family horribly.  I was overwhelmed with how much I missed my friends.  My family and friends miss me more.  I left a huge gaping hole in my family when I left.  They had no choice but to let me go though.  Though I’m strong, I’m happiest when I’m with my family.  I needed a way out of that HUGE rut I was stuck in (U of A job).  I learned so much from my U of A job but there wasn’t anything else I could get out of that position.  I was terribly unhappy and only barely tolerated the job.  I hated Sundays because that meant I had to go back to work the next day.  These days, I spend my Sundays baking and playing games online.

I’m not happy.  I’m not sad.  I reply I’m okay when asked how I am.  Strangely, “okay” aptly describes how I feel.  I know the complete spectrum of my feelings so I know how I feel currently is probably in the middle, which is neither happy nor sad.  I’m not sure why the middle of the spectrum would translate to “okay.”  It just does.  I’m left feeling like “okay” isn’t okay, however.  Given, you can’t be happy all the time.  We are thinking humans, so we should recognize we need to do what can to move over to the “happy” zone.  It’s so much easier to say what we don’t want.  It’s much more difficult to state what we do want.  My new plan: explore what I need to get to the “happy” zone and less time with distractions.

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About bibiiwens

Navajo, self-assured, bibliophile, skeptical, analytical and klutzy.
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One Response to I’m okay.

  1. coles14Tara says:

    It’s understandable to have mixed feelings. It probably doesn’t help that so many people think you are wonderful and want to have you in their life. Does pull you in many directions.

    If you want help finding your happy zone I’m happy to help you.

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