It’s the end of another calendar year. There are only a few hours left of 2011. Some reflection is in order. I’ve been able to do some much needed reflection the past week. I had to make some decisions as well. You are who/where you are, because you understand where you come from (or where you’ve been) and where you’re going.
I understand the former part quite well. Where I’m going? That was the part that was unclear for me. I over-think everything, even when it’s unwarranted. I was able to make my choices and now I need to accept them.
I was looking in the mirror the other day. I mean really looking at myself objectively. Hollow eyes, dark circles, more lines, dull eyes. Even my hair had a lackluster look. The look I put on my face everyday is just that – a look. I’m so unhappy. I started to think about this unhappiness.
This person I’ve become isn’t who I am. I’m not this person who comes home to an empty house. The only people to whom I make a difference on a daily basis are my furry babies Ming and Swolfie. I’m so far removed from who I really am. I’m important to my family and vice versa. They are my support and finally I realized they are my life. It’s not much of a life when I don’t have them. It’s too quiet and lonely without them. I need them and they need me too – laughter, tears, drama, joy, celebrations and all. It could be different if I had someone else with me here I suppose but the fact is, I don’t have someone – like a husband or boyfriend or guy or whatever label you want to give. I don’t need to dwell on my past but I can certainly learn from my mistakes (oh I have plenty of those). And btw, I don’t think coming to the Great Plains was a mistake. I just know what I need and what I want now.
Conclusion: I will make my way back to the Southwest. As a Navajo, prayers and songs were offered for me (all my life) so that I know my way home. I can change a great many things about myself but I cannot change that I am Navajo. I need to know the names of mountains, rivers, wind and sky to which I offer my prayers, as they know and recognize me as their child. My soul is parched for these songs and prayers. My family role has also changed tremendously in the past year. This year that my Grandmother left this realm. I cannot fulfill who I am as a person and my role in my family, from this distance.
My hope for all of you is that the New Year finds in a happy place. Or that you will find your way/path to happiness. Don’t live just to exist. Life is really too short and the years pass too quickly. Be good to each other.