I spent much of the week-end with my sister and her. My younger sister is becoming self-aware of her life and working through the process of becoming a individual. Just because you become a parent doesn’t mean you instantly evolve into a mature thinking person. There are plenty of people who don’t experience this evolution until later in life, and some who just don’t experience this at all. She’s working through the ‘negativity’ issues now. What does that look like? Just pause every time you think a negative thought or express negativity (criticism or just in general), then turn that negative thought into a positive expression. So my sis was pausing several times a day, to turn that negativity into a . I thought I would join her in her efforts (unspoken).
As for me, several years ago, I was fortunate I had someone who loved me very much, to tell me that my negativity was toxic and it made him not want to be around me because of that. Yeah, of course, it’s crushing to hear this but I was also completely oblivious to the fact that much of what came out of my mouth (and mind) was negative. Examples: thinking about people, comparing myself to other people (self-esteem issues and just a waste of time/energy) or just when talking to friends and family.
I was with my sister and her family for most of the week-end so it was easier, during the first few days of trying this, to support each other. We caught each fairly often (negativity look out) and I really started to feel better by end of the 2nd day. Even though my life still isn’t where I want it to be – still don’t have a librarian job, decent pay (enough to pay bills & have a little left over), better health (nosigns), etc., I was and felt happier. The rain and fantastic weather (on Saturday afternoon/evening) probably had something to do with it. I was in such despair and felt completely helpless for the past few weeks. My employment/financial/health situations haven’t changed any. I just needed to let the negativity go. It was so easy to think that all the negative responses and non-responses are about me. Much of my self-esteem and was tied to my and ability.
I needed to re-affirm and remind myself: I do make a difference to my loved ones (family and friends). If I don’t hear from you, you don’t respond to my emails or text messages or other communication attempts, then I have to be okay with that. Your non-response doesn’t mean that I failed as a family member or friend. I’m letting it go and you can respond when or if you want. And if you can’t be in my life or you feel you can no longer be in my life, it’s okay. I will be okay and you will be okay. Really.